life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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