I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
