I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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