just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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