just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
