I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
