Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
