1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
