Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I want a musical about memes.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
