i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
