finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
