i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
