you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
