True but thats because hes a fetus.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
