I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
