I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
