I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
