it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
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