I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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