it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
