I wish I only lived at night.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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