I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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