had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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