I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
