You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
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Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
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There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
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