Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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