I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
