if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.