I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
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he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
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Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Life without a bra equals bliss.