I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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