I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I supernannyed him into submission
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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