Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
