I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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