White coat. Heels.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
