Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
