My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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