I wish I could teleport
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
