oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
