Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
