Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
