Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
