like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Randomize
