I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Drake has all the answers
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
