I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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