God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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