I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
