please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
