OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
