True but thats because hes a fetus.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
