I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
