Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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