Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
