He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
