Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
