nut hugger
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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