my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
