Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
