Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
