So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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